Woohoo!!!!!

So im finally taking a vacation after about 8 years, and as expected, was super excited, kinda syked and ridiculously scared. Scared for reasons i dont wanna discuss here, but being excited bout anything is definitely worth a bit of ranting.

Now i was travelling from dubai to cochin as every mal man or woman is expected to do so atleast once a year. The holy pilgrimage. Personally, I detest the idea, and all that it entails, but a mals gotta do what a mals gotta do. Again, this post is not is not bout my resentment to a land that im not in the slightest bit attached to.

This post is bout travel. Its bout the miracle of flight, and the pain between the butt cheeks that is associated with the fastest mode of transportation known to common man.

Lets be honest. The idea of getting onto an airplane, as many times as you may have done so before, still excites you. How can it not? You're gonna be dangling in mid air without a harness, held up only by the miracle of technology and magic strings from the sky. God's way of playing puppet master.

Course you can always count on someone to fuck it up.

Insert into frame, me mum.

Now, I love my mom with all my heart and then some, and as much as i would protest, lie on the ground waving my hands and legs, curse, say no, nein, naw, nahin or even use cliche phrases like 'not even if hell freezes over', she always gets her way.

In this particular instance, she automatically presumes that of the 38kgs i am allowed to carry, bout 30 belongs to her. Yes. Belongs.
'Ur single. What do u possibly need to carry???'
'Clothes, Tech gizmos, Stuff.. Err.. Underwear..'
'Did u know ur dad wanted to get u aborted?'
(Ok, she didnt ever say that, but im being overly dramatic here. Deal with it.)
Long story short.. Playstation out, fairy liquid in.

Moving on...

Pretty much every ticket explains to you that u may carry this object with you whilst you may not carry that. This is for obvious reasons. Mallus. Coz there will always be that one retard who thinks its ok to pack two barrels of petrol from the middle east to india. Actually keepin in mind the gas prices, who can blame me right?

Off topic.

So heres what they dont tell u on the friggin ticket. Be prepared to lose every last bit of your dignity, multiple times over.

Two words... Airport Security.

Do not wear anything with metal on it. Do not wear loose trousers, that could slip without a belt. Do not wear steeltoe shoes. Do not carry coins. You may carry cigarettes, but dont you dare carry a zippo. Do not carry a swiss army knife. Also, for your safety, please be prepared to be groped all over, by an ugly stranger, in uniform.

Of course this comes no where close to the part when u enter the craft.

Now we've all seen airline ads. The palace of luxury midair, cute chicks waiting to serve on you, the guy relaxing on his laptop, talking on the phone, checking his emails, FB, whatever.. And in the end when he is asleep someone turns off the lights and throws a blanket on.

This is the point where all those dreams are shattered.

As you enter the aircraft, the following is your thought process..
First class.. 'Hmm.. I could get used to this..'
Business class.. 'Not bad.. Decent seats n all.. Cool stuff..'
Economy... 'Cattle barn! Fuck!'

And if that wernt enough, the 'cute chick' air hostess.. Male!

Kids!!! There must be a ban to getting kids to travel on airplanes unless they're drugged or they got one of them suck-me-thingys in their mouth. Them brats actually cry louder in aircrafts, and whats worse, the sound has got no place to go. Its stuck with you, right there, in your ear. And the reslilience that these tit suckers got, admirable. Like the friggin energizer bunny. Goes on n on n on n on...

Solution. Emirates, Etihad, Indian Airlines, Kingfisher.. Pay attention... Sound proofed kid cabins... Let them cry themselves to the worlds end in there, with company of other loud rascals. Fuckin set up a competition for all i care, as long as it doesnt bother me.

Plane up. Plane down. Safe. Whew!!!

Immigration.

Retina scan, passport scan, fingerprint scan, heat signature scan, full body xray scan, some other god-alone-knows-what-the-fuck scan. Amazing level of security. Approved. Fuck up? All these involve lines, and lines in an airport, ladies and gents, means waiting FOREVER!!! Not to mention the creepy fella in immigration who strips u naked with his eyes, and asks u personal questions. Like why would he care that ur in town on vacation or business or to go streaking in the middle of a football match? I mean, when was the last time anyone actually said, 'Im here to smuggle drugs into the country'. Facepalm!

They could make a decent airport. They could make them miraculous string controlled flight machines land and take off safely. They could even install central AC. Yes, its a big deal in mal land. Somehow, they all fell asleep through the lesson on how to get ur luggage back to you before u grow old n die. Maybe in a few more decades. Fingers crossed.

And if this entire ordeal wasnt bad enough, there comes the part when u actually step out and are greeted by a clustophobia inducing number of people including, but not limited to, those who still think its absolutely necessary that every relative u know, or dont, should come to the airport to pick u up, refuse to give u breathing space, and stuff themselves into one car, an ambassador. Not to forget the million cabbies, the coolies, the auto guys, the beggars, the cops, the money exchange guy, the mobile guy, the pick pocket guy, the welcome band guy, and the congregation of random faces and voices breathing down your neck. Simultaneously.

Breathe.

Now, for those who have survived reading this post till this point and thinking, 'No fuckin way could this end happy'. You're wrong. Like every mallu wood movie ever released, this one has a happy ending as well.

In the words of Mastercard..
Purchasing air tickets, expensive..
Airport Security, scary..
Flight, painful..
Getting back home and eating mom's chicken biriyani for dinner, priceless..
There are some things money can buy, for everything else theres the magic word, 'Fuck!'.