Bollywood Xtreme

The other day i was doing the one thing that i had decided a million years back that i would never do..

I was watchin a bollywood flick.

Result : I decided to renew my vows..

So me being me and having more than plenty of time to bust on absolute crap decide to do some R & D on the subject and come to the realisation that in the last 50 years, bollywood has made like.. 10 original movies.

And that was back in the 50s.. After that, the great (ahem!!) moviemakers of our country decided to get well.. inspired, (and i thought 'sorry' was the fakest word in existance). So basically every movie that we come across is a copy of a copy of some other movie made by some other doode, or dudette (being politically correct).

Thats when i took an oath that i should atleast try and save my imaginary readers from this plot of deceit, and in the process save 14 hours of your time, per movie.

So here is me givin y'all the summary of just about any other inspired movie that bollywood has ever released, or intends to release.

Boy meets girl.

Girl meets boy.
(This is written seperately coz in both the instances we have seperate songs)

They fall in love.
(Another song)

(And this is not just ordinary love. In two meets they decide that they will rather die than be without each other, where in real life, even after a year, it took this one girl half a second to dump me)

Girls dad / uncle / brother / husband / ex-boyfriend finds out.
(This usually happens at a party, in the middle of another song sung by the guy, who can barely afford shoelaces, turns up wearing an Armani)

The girls dad / uncle / brother / husband / ex-boyfriend has a problem with it.
(This character is called the villian)

Villian and two hundred other goons with him beat up boyfriend
(Real life.. "Fuck it doode.. This shit aint worth it."
Reel life.. Our hero decides to take on them and beats all of them to the ground in spectacular Matrix slow motion.. Until our villian gets one shot through to him.
Variation : Gun / Knife / Stick)

Boyfriend in hospital
(He always has his own room, even for a broken wrist and a couple of bruises. He always has bandages that look as though they just came out of the washing machine, and our hero's wounds are placed so spectacularly that it actually makes him look cooler than normal. Not to mention there is not a single crease on the same shirt he was beaten up in.)

Girl hears of this from servant
(Another song)
(P.S. Servant is always more faithful to heroin than the villian.. duh!!!)

Girl starts crying
(Another song)

Keeps crying
(Song follows)

Guy cries
(Song still follows...)

Hero somehow beats up Villian's Villian to save Villian. Comic servant helps.
(Song finally stops)

Villian realises he cant stop true love
(Like obviously!!!)

They all live happily ever after.
(Another song.. Goddamnit!!!)

The End.
(Finally)

So there it is.. The official storyline that movie makers of our country have been dwelling on for decades now.

I do sincerely hope that i have not spoilt the movie going experience of all you folks out there, and if i have, trust me im doing y'all a favour.

Last time u did anything...

When was the last time u did something for the first time in your life..

Something i came by recently..

Got me thinkin..

When was the last time i did somethin like that.. and then i remembered something from a long time ago, in a place far far away..

Flashback..

"She loves me.. She loves me not.. She loves me.. She loves me not..
Shit!!! Naw.. She loves me..."

This is a phase that most adult men, although would refuse to admit, but have at some point of time in their lives gone through.

"The first time he fell in love."

She was beautiful.. She was perfect.. She was the epitome of womanhood..

However, this entry, ladies and gentlemen, is not about love. Its about how love came to be..

Now when you propose to a lady for the first time in your life, you think a lot.. Strategy comes into play.. You look at others and decide that you are not going to do the same mistake that anyone else did.

You plan.. You plot..

Time, effort and countless no of crumpled papers later.. "Eureka!!!"

The fool-proof plan is finally complete..

BUHAHAHA!!!

Although i don't remember the exact details of 'Mission Impossible' (I had to put a cool name), i remember that it involved a Rose, 'Pehla Nasha' and an ice cream parlour.

If memory serves me correctly, this is how my master plan unfolds..

We come out of tuition class.. Its summer.. It will be hot.. Walk a while.. Offer ice cream.. She accepts..

Phase one complete..

Ice cream parlour.. Pass onto uncle the Pehla Nasha casette.. alongwith 10 bucks (a whole weeks saving).. Talk about how boring class was.. Make fun of teacher.. See her smile.. And when shes smiling.. Tell her how beautiful she looks.. Pass rose to her.. Get down on my knees.. "I love you. Do you love me too?"

Pehla Nasha..

The plan was perfect.. It will work.. Come on.. It worked for Aamir Khan.. It should work for me as well..

(In the fifth grade, it made A LOT of sense..)

How it actually turned out..

Came out of tutions.. Hot.. Walk.. Im nervous as hell.. Laughin too little.. Talkin too much..

Shes thinking what the hell is wrong with me..

Ice cream parlour in view..

Gather your guts..

"Err.. would you like an ice cream..?"

"No.. i got a cold.."

Shit!!!

Master destruction.. Time to improvise..

Lets see..

"Err.. Coke?"

"No.."

Damn!!

"Coffee?"

Its hot u dumb idiot.. What were u thinking.. Dumb Dumb Du..

"ok.. :-) "

Huh!! Seriously?

"That place?"

"ok.."

No music

Gulp!!! Pull yourself together.. You kin do this.. Focus.. Its just 3 words.. Thats it..

Plan into action...

"Hey the teacher was so funny today..."

"Yea.. I know.. (Blah Blah Blah)"

(She smiled)

Its now or never..

ok.. lets pause the movie for a minute..

At this point in time, It honestly feels like you have your tongue stuck in your throat, your heart beats twice.. no thrice normal and little beads of sweat develop on your forehead.

And thats not even the half of it.

All of a sudden you have this ridiculous look on your face that makes you look far worse than that disgusting photo in your passport and you have seen too many movies to know that the next thing she is gonna do is get up and SLAP!!!

In otherwords, you are a lil bit nervous..

Back to the story..

Its now or never..

"Err.. I think i kind of.. u know.."

"What?"

"I think.."

Whats happening to me

"Err.."

Say something

"Err.."

Anything

"Err.."

Say it..

"Are you ok?"

"I think i got a thing for you.."

Now shes gonna get up and.. SLAP!!!

"I know.. I kinda got a thing for you too.."

Ok.. I didnt think about this part..

F*#%!!!

Back to present..

That day was an absolute disaster, but it turned out quite ok..

So.. When was the last time you did something for the first time in YOUR life..

P.S. We had to break up. She had commitment issues. ;-)

Life as we know it...

When god made man.. eveything was happy.. everyone was happy.. birds chirped.. trees bloomed.. i mean.. how difficult can heaven be..?

And then he decided.. u know what.. this picture looks too good to be true.. so what did he do?

He created women..

Birds still chirped.. trees still bloomed.. but man was never the same again..

He even got kicked out of heaven, and for no fault of his own..

Picture that conversation...

Adam : Hi Honey.. Im home..

Eve : Humph..

Adam : What?

Eve : You dont love me..

Adam : Huh.. Honey seriously.. You're the only woman in existance.. I dont have much of a choice here..

Eve : What!! Is that the only reason you love me? I dont believe this.. Your sleeping on the couch mister!!!

Adam : But Honey..

Eve : Dont honey me mister.. Couch.. or you aint gettin nothin for a month..

Adam : ok.. whaeva.. (Cursing under his breath.. Women!!!)

(The next morning)

Eve : Hi Honey.. Good morning..

Adam : (Confused) Honey? Oh Oh..

Eve : (Movin in closer) Honey, I know how u kin prove to me that you love me..

Adam : (Ok now im fucked) Anything for you love..

Eve : U know the fruit that we aint supposed to eat..

Adam : Honey.. but the big voice said..

Eve : What? You Scared? I dare you..

And thats how man ended up on Earth..

(Damn)

Love?

Ever fell in love?

I did once..

I think about it a lot.. all the time.. everytime..

I have analysed, re-analysed and have analysed again, what it is i had re-analysed..

And i have come to the one conclusion..

That you fall in love only once..

That feeling of absolute serendipity that you share with the universe.. The one moment that lasts forever..

There are some lucky enough to have it for the rest of their lives, and then there is the rest of us.. people such as myself.. Onlookers, always on the hunt, searching.. Almost reminds you of the last minute shopping rush for Christmas.. and you end up with.. well, nothing worthwhile..

Don't get me wrong here.. Love need not necessarily mean that you have to spend infinite number of hours with this special someone. It does not involve chocolates, roses or expensive restaurants..

Love, in my humble opinion, is that one look, that one kiss, that one smile.. It could a fleeting glimpse of someone in the park, or that complete stranger sitting across the room, maybe even a figment of your imagination (wierd), but the point is, Love is just that one moment.. The one moment that brings the world to a standstill..

The relationship..

So you had your moment.. You loved it.. You go out for coffee, a movie, err.. yahoo messenger, whatever works for you and you think there might be something there.. (guys.. i dont mean getting laid.. focus..) So you decide to find out more about each other..

Blah Blah Blah

The break up..

Where is this headed? What the hell was i thinking? Hes a bastard.. Shes a bitch.. So on and so forth..

That brings us to wonder.. Why is it that we waste, no let me rephrase that, Why is it that we 'invest' so much of our time in some thing that ultimately turns out more sour than my mom's infamous Lemon Soup?

Listen up, for here comes the concrete-ness of my theory..

The pursuit was in search of that one moment that made all the sense in the world.. For that one moment to be recreated.. All the searching, whining, dining and god knows what not involved is to bring back that one brief moment of absolute bliss..

But it does not.. Never has and never will..

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust..

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i say that we only fall in love once..

Sad, but true.

So what can we do.. What has been done.. I dont know.. I dont have all the answers.. But just in case someone does find out.. Let me in on it.. I could use a tip or two..

Apologies to all you folks who had to read this terrible piece of prose. And for all you guys who NOW think i might be gay.. Fuck U.. I just got a bit too much time on my hands people..

I want to live... Not exist...

Circle of Life

So here i am.. another day, another miserable 24 hours of meaningless existance...
Im sittin here all alone... stealing away from apparent work and thinking to myself, what am i doing here?
Is it all part of the bigger picture, leading to something bigger and crap of that sort...
Thats when it dawns upon me...
See... The trouble with me is that i cant keep a constant flow of thought...
No man can.
Trouble is he gets horny.
So here i am.. thinkin of how fucked up life is and how it cant get any worse like, and all of a sudden...
"I need to get laid"
FUCK!!!
so here i am thinkin i need to get laid... Planning and Plotting... Doing the vampire laugh...
"Fuck im tired of this shit"
Lifes fucked...
Fuckin vicious circle...

Does it...

another day...
another night...
the same fuckin calls...
the same ol routine of absolute disgust...
life sux...
and then you step out of that little dream...
look around...
see the world...
a new perspective...
and you think...
does it really?

Do More

Do more than exist... Live.
Do more than touch... Feel.
Do more than look... Observe.
Do more than read... Absorb.
Do more than hear... Listen.
Do more than listen... Understand.
Do more than think... Ponder.
Do more than plan... Act.
Do more than talk... Say something.

Fear

I feared being alone
until I learned to like
myself.

I feared failure
until I realized that I only
fail when I don't try.

I feared success
until I realized
that I had to try
in order to be happy
with myself.

I feared people's opinions
until I learned that
people would have opinions
about me anyway.

I feared rejection
until I learned to
have faith in myself.

I feared pain
until I learned that
it's necessary
for growth.

I feared the truth
until I saw the
ugliness in lies.

I feared life
until I experienced
its beauty.

I feared death
until I realized that it's
not an end, but a beginning.

I feared my destiny,
until I realized that
I had the power to change
my life.

I feared hate
until I saw that it
was nothing more than
ignorance.

I feared love
until it touched my heart,
making the darkness fade
into endless sunny days.

I feared ridicule
until I learned how
to laugh at myself.

I feared growing old
until I realized that
I gained wisdom every day.

I feared the future
until I realized that
life just kept getting
better.

I feared the past
until I realized that
it could no longer hurt me.

I feared the dark
until I saw the beauty
of the starlight.

I feared the light
until I learned that the
truth would give me
strength.

I feared change,
until I saw that
even the most beautiful butterfly
had to undergo a metamorphosis
before it could fly.

Life

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all those French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke. I wanted to destroy something beautiful."

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken."

"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

"Listen up maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."

An Oath

AN OATH

THE DAY HAS COME, WHEN MAN HAS TO COME FORTH HIS PATHETIC EXISTENCE AND SHOW ALL HIS FELLOW RIVALS THAT NO LONGER WILL HE REMAIN CONDEMNED BY THE SYSTEM.

WE WILL STEP FORWARD FROM THE ASHES AND SHOW THE WORLD A NEW PATH, A NEW MEANING TO THE WORD LIFE ITSELF.

IT IS THE BEGINNING OF AN ERA, AN ERA THAT WILL LEAD TO THE DOWNFALL OF ALL THAT WE DESPISE.

AN ERA THAT WILL BE REMEMBERED…

FOREVER