The story goes that when the film was first shown, the audience was so overwhelmed by the moving image of a life-sized train coming directly at them that they screamed and ran.
And that, ladies and gents, was the first time an audience left a film halfway through.
Little more than a century later, we can safely say that not much has changed.
This article is dedicated to the all the Mango Peoples of India, who are forced to endure so much pain and torture in the name of entertainment.
Of course, When talking about bad movies and similar type of things, the first thing that comes into mind is Bollywood.
Specifically Ram Gopal Varma.
Think about it. Who else has the talent, vision and dedication to take a movie the likes of Sholay, throw in a star cast that would make any producer bankrupt, give any director a hard on, and yet fuck it up in so many ways, that our poor hands-free Thakur is out for revenge, again.
I mean, What the hell was he smokin, right?
But then again, he's not particularly special in that regard, now is he?
*Flashback*
Ra.One.
*End of flashback*
Comedy.
A man tripping on a banana peel is funny. Rather, it used to be until i was 6.
Fusion the scene with 'modern' wire technology. Throw in some bad graphics.
Man trips on banana peel, goes so high up in the air that he lands on another guys shoulder, who somehow trips on the same peel and both of them fall on the three mock villains that are running towards them in sequence. All of them fall down. Heroes emerge the victor.
Still not funny. Ok, Maybe a little. Bah!
Romance.
Shah Rukh Khan, Aamir Khan, Salman Khan.. What do they all have in common?
Last names. Superstar Status. Hero Image. Youth Icons. Pepsi???
Well.. All of the above, I guess.
Oh and yeah, teeny weeny detail, they are all, for lack of a better term, old farts.
Seriously, how difficult is it for India, my favorite country with a population of a billion n change, to come up with a few new young actors, who can actually, well.. act.
And no, flaunting a six pack doesn't mean ur young enough to play ur son's age. Grow up guys.
P.S. Don't even consider bringing Mammootty and Mohanlal into this category. That is beyond the comprehension of my already disturbed mind.
College.
I'm not gonna talk bout 3 idiots. It was a decent movie. I shall try and ignore the fact that a 44 year old man played the role of a 19 year old kid.
Deep breath.
When it comes to college movies, the only name that comes to mind is Karan Johar.
When is someone, anyone going to explain to the guy that not all the students in a college can have washboard abs, that most of them cant be bothered to wear designer clothes, pretty much none of the girls look like supermodels, there usually is more than one dorky kid, and for fuck's sake there are subjects other than 'love' and 'romance' they teach.
Also, as far as romances go, fyi, the biggest problem that most couples face in college, is running out of mobile credit, and the solution to all break ups is alcohol. True Story.
Special Effects / Action
Ra.One.
(Please maintain a moment of silence)
In the interest of complete disclosure, the idea or inspiration for this article / post / write up / ranting of a disaster, did not come from Bollywood. The bar I have set in that regard is, by default, low, and expectations, even lower. Thus, on most occasions, after several recommendations, when i do watch a Bollywood movie, I am pleasantly surprised.
This article was actually inspired by a Hollywood flick that goes by the name 'Premium Rush'.
The movie itself stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Inception), Michael Shannon (Boardwalk Empire), and is directed by David Koepp who was involved in classics such as Jurassic Park, Mission Impossible, etc.
That is one helluva team.
Right. The movie itself... There were stunts. Chase sequences. Cliche lines. A hot chick. A good guy. A bad cop. Exhilarating.
And the story.. In Manhattan, a bike messenger picks up an envelope that attracts the interest of a dirty cop, who pursues the cyclist throughout the city.
Then it struck me...
What The Fuck Were They Thinking!!!
That's not a story. That's a line. Literally. One line.
What on Earth has happened to the movies of today?
There was a time when watching movies meant slipping into a land of fairy tale and fantasy, where everything was nice, where good fared over evil, in spite of whatever may entail. There was a time when a war movie was all it took to inspire a young man to fight for his country. There was a time when watching a movie meant falling in love all over again. There was a time when sharing grief, and shedding a tear could not be helped over a movie.
Heck. There was a time when 12 men in a room, deliberating over the fate of another man's life, was compelling enough to hold off someone from taking a piss for over an hour.
There was a time when movies made sense.
Welcome to Today.
Is it just me, or did anyone else notice that most of the successful movies of this year, or at least the ones worthy of being talked about, were based on Comic book characters.
Comic Book Characters!!!
There is no Batman. There is no Green Monster. There is no Demi-God from another universe who can control lightning. There is no billionaire in an Iron Suit that can fly. There is no scientist with spider DNA who can shoot webs, walk on buildings, and deliver pizza. And there certainly isn't any alien with x-ray vision who looks human with skin that HAS to be plastic.
Also, no one walks around wearing a cape, or spandex. EVER. Unless, of course, you were either psychologically disturbed, or lived in Paris.
But Hollywood isn't Hollywood until they find a way to make a sad situation worse.
Allow me to introduce the same shit, now in 3D.
Sir, with all due respect, bull shit served on a golden spoon is still bull shit. Please don't try and make me pay extra for it. I just plainly refuse to do so.
That's it. I'm tired. I'm beat. I quit.
On a parting note, all I have left after this traumatic experience, is a humble request to the movie makers of today.
Try and make something that'll bring back the magic, and take us mango peoples back through time, to an age when watching movies entailed amazement. An age in which every frame was looked at with great awe, and every movie goer went home in bliss.
Please.
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