The Fatso Chronicles

I’m fat.

I was born fat, and I probably will always remain so.

This is me doing my part for the welfare of all fellow fat men out there, and not to sound completely sexist, lets include fat women as well.

Technically, we do prefer the term well-bred, in case someone is interested, and the politically correct term is obese. But fuck that shit, I’m calling it fat.

This article is dedicated to show all you assholes out there that we got enough problems of our own, without you trying to pick on us. And as far as laughing behind our ass is concerned; we’re fat, not deaf, not blind, just fat. So back off, you puny punk

Anyways, moving on… I’m not gonna talk about cholesterol, diabetes, and them other medical jargon. So if that’s what you’re expecting, well shut this down right now. This article is about all the real problems. Stuff that make a clogged artery look like a walk in the park.

Shopping:
The most dreaded word in any fat dude’s life. Apart from the embarrassment of going to the shopkeeper and asking for a size 250 jean, there comes the part where he actually shows it to you, and here’s the thing… It’s always placed in the bottom row. Always. Its like some sort of religious code or something that all shops follow. It’s almost like the goddamn place is screaming out to u, “Get the hell out of here. You’re making us look bad.”
My response:
Statistically, more people die of heart attacks, than of smoking, drinking or guns combined. That in turn can be interpreted: There are a shit load of fat fucks out there. So you guys working for charity, or do you wanna start making some real money?

Women:
Now there is a word Fatist. Its something like Facist, except in this case, you hate fat people. Not all women all Fatists, in fact, most of them would tell u that appearance doesn’t bother them one bit. This aint true people, and that’s the truth. For women, the fat dude is like the saying, always a bridesmaid, never the bride. We fuckin get rejected even before we step up to the playing field.
My response:
We’re fat, but that dude who’s hitting on you is just plain ugly. And we can diet.
Also, the age old saying, cush-in for the push-in, does come up.

Attention:
Imagine never being able to sneak out of class. You’re too big. You’re noticed. The term unwanted attention comes to mind. What’s worse, the teachers know who you are. There is no way in hell someone can sign for you, unless educationional suicide is on the sidelines.
My response:
Fact of life is that we aint always gonna be in school. You walk into a pub, and guess who still gets noticed. In your face. Loosa!!!

Eating out:
Every time you order dessert, people around you start giggling, like little school girls with ponytails.
My response:
I’m already fat, I don’t give a shit about how I look anymore. Now I dare you to finish a double rich sundae without worrying about your waist line.

Doctors:
“Look Babil, you need to cut down on the calories. You need to exercise. You need to eat right, else…. blah blah blah”
My response:
For heavens sake, doc, I know I’m fat. I don’t need you, or a scale to tell me that. A mirror works just fine. Now would you stop wasting my time, and fix my broken hand.

All this being said, being fat does have its pure advantages as well.

Combat:
You never have to fight. Almost no one has the balls to piss you off, lest you make him look like a sissy little bitch in front of others. A fat man’s fury has no end.

Talk:
All fat guys can talk. Its almost like when God endowed upon us this majestic body, he gave us some talking genes along with it as well. Humor, in some sense of the word comes naturally to us. You hardly see a fat guy who doesn’t know how to juice up a party, and if you do, well he’s still bigger than you are.

Attitude:
“All right, I get it. I’m fat. I got over it. Now you’re turn”
Need I say more?

Quality:
Ladies, take notice here. Would you rather hug a book or a pillow?
And to set all myths aside, “big feet, large shoes”.

So that almost brings us to the end of this glorious article.

Now, some of you may ask the question, At least medically speaking, isn’t it better to lose some weight, stay healthy, and all that stuff…

We could work out, diet, do yoga, and all that. True. But, being fat is not about any of that. It is a choice. It is a way of life. It’s a public declaration to anyone who glances our way; that we are comfortable with who we are. We don’t want to pretend to be someone else. We refuse to let MTV dictate how we look. We don’t want to survive, we want to live. We love food. And by God, if that cheese cake was meant to be eaten, then I am going to fulfill its destiny, if it’s the last goddamn thing I do.

Amen.